If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
