it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
