he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
being pregnant is like rehab
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
