a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My feet surprised me
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