Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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