i jhust puked up my retainher.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
