What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
