It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
