I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He kissed a someone with a penis
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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