Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
