sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
