i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
