When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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