Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
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I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
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I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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