Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
nutella sex= disaster
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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