I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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