i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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