Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
