my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
