I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
