New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
