I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
