he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
