Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
