Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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