oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
