Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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