i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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