Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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