I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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