So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think your dad took our porno
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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