i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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