Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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