pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
