ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
