I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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