I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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