A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Rumble strips road head = magical
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
