what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
