Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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