I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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