Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Randomize
