someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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