Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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