So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
