we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
