The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
