Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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