I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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