I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
