walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you had me at cake vodka
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
