So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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