in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Your penis caused this!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
