You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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