So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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