my phone needs a breathalizer
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How does one acquire holy water?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
