Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
