im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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